Fatty is on a diet.
What I mean by “fatty” is: “Hrm. I seem to keep pinging 250 lbs… and while it’s nice that my semi-regular gym visits make me look feel like I am only 220 lbs… I should probably start trying to eat better and make those gym visits a bit more regular.” What I mean by diet is: “instead of going out to eat for two meals a day, or having an entire frozen pizza for dinner, or having corn dogs for breakfast, or having a half pound of random taffy-esque office-candy for lunch, or [insert nutritionally suspect decision here]… I should focus on assembling things from ingredients that don’t come pre-mixed with preservatives and half-an-ocean’s worth of salt and corn syrup.” I am going to focus on having a piece of fruit and a box of frozen veggies handy for grazing when I feel a bit peckish but don’t want to yet assemble some English Muffin Mini Pizza or make dinner for Eric and I to share. Finally I’m starting to track what I’m eating for a few weeks to spot check whether certain things are way higher/lower in calories than I suspected… and which foods my body reacts-to as ‘hollow’. Again.
The push today is because yesterday was particularly bad for my ego: I accidentally wore a shirt that was too tight around the middle on a day that was too warm for a jacket. Thus I spent the entire day sucking in my gut and generally trying to not inflict my stretching-at-the-button sausage casing on coworkers and the dentist (who I am rather sure don’t give a shit) . The day was spent eating better and drinking naught but water and going on a 5K treadmill run. By 8:30 I was exhausted and had to skip out on a Ru Paul Viewing party, and this morning I was sore in the ribs from spending all day asking my diaphragm and abdominal muscles to haul all those pesky organs up into the rib cage.
I don’t wish for my glory days of being near 160 lbs… where I discovered DDR the same time I switched to diet coke and had a late 2 inch growth spurt… and everyone was a bit worried that I had an eating disorder. Instead I’m wishing for my glory days of being near 200 lbs, which at least had me on the top end of “normal” as opposed to pinging against “obese” using the CDC’s increasingly beleaguered BMI index. Thus, I’m going to do the tracking and the better planning but avoid the “NO YOU CAN’T EAT THAT IT IS DEMON FOOD YOU FAT FAT FATTY FAT FAT” internal dialogue which seems counterproductive. Especially since people (whether imaginary or real) screaming at me that I can’t do something sets off the precocious inner child who proudly dances around and goes “Just watch me, asshole”.
As I think more and more about diet in general (in terms of ‘eating better’ and not ‘panicky weight loss through fear’)… I notice this trend that there seems to be 400,000 articles out there that seem to say some combination of “I found this thing that worked for me… for as long as I could stand it before I fell off the wagon and went back to un-obsessive eating” and only 200 of the articles seemed to end with “and it stayed off” and 150 of those were folks who still bike to work every day or are Los Angelino Personal Fitness Gurus. The other 399,800 articles bemoan an inability to find things that were not low-grade psychological and physical torture and how much it sucks that weight watching in general creates a stress feedback loop designed to fight any mass change.
Cut to me listening to an episode of the Sawbones podcast discussing homeopathy and a prior article about how homeopathy works (and doesn’t)… and I get a little brainstorm to follow-up upon: Homeopathy should totally be dedicated to diet and exercise. Cue my rudimentary understanding of Homeopathy:
- Homeopathic medical technician (HMT) interviews the crap out of you to see what you eat, how it makes you feel, what you do, gets medical history, history of ailments. Way longer and deeper than general medical practitioners would… (this is basically therapy and generally tends to make people feel better just because they get an ally in understanding whatever is chronically bothering them)
- HMT looks at an index of things that cause those symptoms given family history and medical studies to make diagnosis of condition(s). (rather solid here)
- HMT takes thing that causes those symptoms (willow-bark, arsenic, some other poison) and rather than giving you those poisons, puts that poison in water and dilutes that water 10,000 times so that the “aura” of the poison is in the water and has curative powers (that’s where it gets a bit hokey).
Now… a bacterial infection or cancer is probably still best handled ‘allopathically’ (IE, antibiotics, surgery, and chemotherapy to fight the things that ail you, as opposed water with the aura of something that is like a bacterial infection or your cancer symptoms)… but since diets always seem to fail unless they are painstakingly maintained… I feel like sitting down with someone who can get down to the basics of any food based issues you may have (“You tend to deal with anxiety by living in a house made of candy and not facing your feelings”, “oats make your stomach send acid envoys to your throat to burn out your esophagus”, “Red Meat turns you into a gas furnace”, “shrimp makes your gout flare up”, “citrus makes you swell up and die”, “tofu has you chasing the diarrhea dragon”) and frankly, saying “cake poisons you and gives you massive heartburn, drink this cake-water instead, especially whenever you feel a bit nervous” seems like a good way to handle it.
I’ll get back to you later to see if the strawberry laffy-taffy water, nerd water, or tootsie-roll water helped. Also, I feel like this is already an industry and has words like “toxin” and “chelating” attached to it a bunch.