Traveling to Santa Ana, California.

Araken turned me onto John Scalzi’s blog, and I’ve always loved his litanies like this one.  I figured I would try one of my own.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is an endless series of little indignities.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is waking up at 5:00AM on Monday to be ready by 6:00AM to be at ATL by 7:00AM to be on the plane by 8:00 AM.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is the plane being completely full every time.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is 54 ~1919 mile, ~4 hour flights since April.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is going from number 13 out of 40 on the upgrade list, to number 14 out of 90 on the upgrade list.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is wishing Delta would separate the boarding zones for diamond, platinum, and gold medallion members, because 80 out of 120 of the passengers being “Zone 1” creates precisely the douche-bag-filled mob which the zone system was designed to prevent.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is wishing you had the courage to say something to the guy who put both his prodigious bags into the overhead on a full flight, but being too afraid of dealing with his shitty feelings over being thwarted because he sitting next to you.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is feeling the same way about the guy sitting in row 22 who put his bags, coat, and umbrella in the overhead bins over row 13 and then shut the door.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is no longer responding positively the Delta safety video.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is realizing the TSA and Airlines call me a “passenger” because it carries less responsibility than calling me a “customer”.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is starting to giggle at the screechy baby and inconsolable toddler and imagine them being jabbed repeatedly as the reason they are crying.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is having the person who DID get the window seat be the thimble-bladdered nervous type that washed down their diuretics with coffee and diet coke.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is going from thinking of tipping the  flight attendants and getting them copies of  People, to refusing drinks and snacks because you want to passively aggressively show your irritation with them and everything they don’t do that could make the flight better.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is watching well-dressed adults throw tantrums because Delta’s free drink coupons can’t get them the fruit and cheese plate or the yogurt parfait.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is the cruel irony of leaving at 1:30PM to arrive at 8:30PM when the plane was in the air an hour less than on the way out.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is feeling sort of bad for bitching about a travel company on Twitter only to have agents monitoring the feeds immediately try to help you.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is realizing Gogo inflight internet giving you an excuse to use a laptop on a plane being a double-edged sword.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is being charitable with your airline miles and sky club passes.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is having been upgraded twice out of those 54 trips.  Once when you turned Gold, and once when you turned Platinum.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is realizing you still love being on a sports bus that can generate 50,000 – 120,000 ft-lbs of thrust.  Every time.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is secretly loving turbulence, so long as it doesn’t cancel the drink service.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is only 70% of shops over there taking credit cards, and only 50% of them taking Amex (the “get your  reasonable meal free no questions asked” card).

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is working 40-50 hours in 4 days, to come home and work another 5-10 on that 5th day.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is gaining 20 lbs over 6 months through worse diet choices and exercise routine interruptions and mostly because the most common social activity is eatin’ and drinkin’.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is realizing you miss the Ford Focus but still got a thrill out of cramming all 8 members of your team into a 15.5 avg MPG All Wheel Drive Chevy Traverse they gave you as a “compact”.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is replenishing your stash of “guest toiletries” with the best Marriott and Hilton have to offer.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is buying new underwear or toiletries or workout clothes once every two months because you forgot to pack them.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is having watched the bosses who insist you stay 4 nights instead of 3 and take redeyes back home… fly home early and/or leave  3 hours before you even need to think about heading to the airport.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is meeting new people and realizing that growing up in a place without any real weather can make some of them very strange… and still becoming good friends with a lot of them.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is learning the value of your home and friends (old and new) for keeping you from turning into a stress-ball.

Traveling to Santa Ana, California is painful growth.

The Handandy Flight Scoring Guide

Scoring Legend:

>+2 #[airline]HyperWin
+2 #[airline]SuperWin
+1 #[airline]Win (Generic Starting Point)
0 #[airline]Pass
-1 #[airline]Fail
-2 #[airline]SuperFail
<-2 #[airline]HyperFail

Score Determination:

  1. Plane Size/quality.
    1. Plane has Internet (+1)
    2. Plane has personal tv/map/movie doohicky (+1)
    3. Plane is bigger than a 737  (+1 per size class: 757<767<777<747)
    4. Plane is smaller than a 737 (-1 per size class: Dash-80<ERJ/CRJ<MD-88/717)
    5. Internet and/or tv/map/movie doohicky is inoperable for more than half the flight (-2)
    6. Plane is an Airbus (-2)
  2. Plane Capacity
    1. Plane is not full (+1)
    2. Plane is so not full that a person is not sitting directly next to me (+1)
    3. Plane is Completely Full (-1)
    4. Middle Seat (-1)
  3. Ground Crew/Gate Agent/Phone Agent/Website performance
    1. Got upgraded (+3)
    2. Got on earlier/later/rescheduled flight as needed (+2)
    3. Gate Agents let wheelchair/families-with-kids/bulkhead seats (row-10) onto the plane before The Sea Of Humanity (+1)
    4. Traveling Companions got good seats too (+1)
    5. Flight was Delayed (-1)
    6. Fees (-1 per fee:  Baggage, flight change)
    7. Airline’s flight alert system warned me flight was Delayed/Cancelled when it actually wasn’t (-2)
    8. Gate Agents forgot/neglected boarding system entirely (-2)
    9. Flight was Cancelled (-3)
    10. I had a panicky drive to a different airport because of (possibly phantom) delayed/cancelled flight (-3)
  4. Flight Crew Performance
    1. Unusual Freebies! (Alcohol, hot food, big snacks,free-personal-movie-doohickey-content, free internet) (+2)
    2. No Turbulence (mild take-off/landing turbulence below 10K feet acceptable) (+1)
    3. Fees (-1, Headphone, usually complimentary freebie)
    4. Ice in Juice *Bleh* (-1 for ice in Orange, Tomato, Apple, or other fruit/veggie juice)
    5. Turbulence Cancels a cart service (-1 per cancelled cart service)
    6. Chatty crew:  More than one announcement per hour,  announcement that takes more than 5 minutes, announcements trying to sell us something (-2 frequent flyer club/credit-card))
    7. Turbulence is so bad (or makes the co/pilot so nervous) that the fasten seat-belt sign never turns off… meaning nobody can use the rest room, meaning whole flight is peppered with flight attendants asking people to sit back down for daring to need to pee. (-3)

25 things about me.

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you. No pressure, you don’t have to do it. But it’s fun and you learn cool stuff about your friends. Continue reading 25 things about me.

Meme from The Chick of Chalice

YOU CAN ONLY ANSWER EACH QUESTION WITH ONE WORD. GOOD LUCK!

1. Where is your cell phone? Endtable

2. Your significant other? spud

3. Your hair? slept

4. Your mother? Wheeeee!

5. Your father? Wheeeee!

6. Your favorite thing? Engaging

7. Your dream last night? Forgotten

8. Your favorite drink? Yuengling

9. Your dream/goal? Gates

10. The room you’re in? Bedroom

11. Your fear? Friendloss

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mortgagefinale

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. What you’re not? Troll

15. Muffins? Cupcakes

16. One of your wish list items? Erotica

17. Where you grew up? Maryland

18. The last thing you did? Minced

19. What are you wearing? Bathrobe

20. Your favorite TV show? TopGear

21. Your pet? Pending

23. Your life? Splendid

24. Your mood? Anticipatory

25. Missing someone? Temporary

26. Your car/truck? Zoom

27. Something you’re not wearing? Underpants

28. Favorite Store? Fry’s

29. Your summer? Humihot

30. Your favorite color? Blue

31. When is the last time you laughed? Yesterday

32. Last time you cried? September

THREE PEOPLE WHO E-MAIL ME: Steve, John, Erik

THREE PLACES I GO OVER AND OVER: CDC, Sushi, RosHouse

THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS: Sushi, Thai, Burger

PLACE I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW: Showered

WHO I THINK WILL RESPOND: None